Dark Secrets

I found this note on September 27th 2026. It was handwritten on the 11th of August 1992.

Dark Secrets.

Sandra‘s words. Feeling of being tainted unacceptable in Cheetham Hill Broughton Park. We felt we couldn’t talk to anyone a feeling of not belonging of wanting to belong.  Embarrassment isolated. (in Menorca) Sandra felt embarrassed by mum‘s alcohol excesses and verbal stupidities although her behaviour reflected on her yet it was nothing to do with Sandra.

Myrna carried the blame more than Sandra. Sandra was more placid Myrna more awkward phobias - cigarettes matches insects not like touching them, ritualistic at night time, certain patterns to be completed door open a certain amount, wanting to sleep with mum share her bed.  She blackmailed me got me into emotional state until she may or may not agree. Mum was non-physical pushes off of her lap Draconian Reign, though we didn’t live in constant fear of her. if she found out we had done something not to her liking wow she made you feel you are a bad person. Authoritarian, mercurial, changeable mood.

No one was there for us even the Doctor didn’t support us, even our dad didn’t support us. He once gave mum a hiding, slapped her, snapped at her drunkenness. Sandra remembered this I didn’t.  Dad was a wimp Sandra‘s words and so is Denis, Sandra‘s words. I was blamed when mum left Home once went to Crew I brought her back - guilty.  Bad person mad mum said like your auntie Rosie, you should see us I psychiatrist. What is wrong with that?  said Sandra! who can’t see why I was called mad. I felt out of control no power. Powerless to other people‘s emotional wants. Only told us she was a convert orthodox Jew when I was about nine or 10 years old I think. Very dramatic.  We were taunted for being not Jewish… your mother isn’t Jewish. Sandra when using these words was told you sound almost like a Jew. Thought she wasn’t one.